This is a warning

First of all, thank you from the bottom of my heart to the many people who got in touch about my last post - your love and support means SO much, and it's also great to hear that some of you were able to take encouragement from what I wrote. It's humbling to realise how many lives are touched by issues like depression and how much power there can be in something as simple as writing/talking about it.

I am still on the road to wellness, I'm not progressing as quickly as I'd like, but when I look back there is definite improvement. I don't feel like myself yet, but I don't feel like the me who went to the doctors that awful first week either. In fact, when I look back to that time I honestly don't know how I was managing to do anything at all. Literally anything. How was I even getting out of bed?! How could I not see how ill I was?

That last thought has been preying on my mind recently. When I look back now, it is starkly obvious how sick I was, how much I had been struggling for a while. Yet when I was in it, I was paying no attention to the warning signs, I was just trying to keep my head down and press on through. Which was dangerous and as it turned out, impossible.

What I would like to do today is make a record of what some of those warning signs were. I'm hoping it may help me to take notice of them if they ever come around again, and take action sooner. And maybe keeping that record here could help someone else to look around at their life and take some notice and some action too, if it's needed. (Obviously no-one else will experience things in exactly the same way I have - but you never know what might strike a chord.)

So, in the order in which they fall out of my (more than usually haphazard) brain, here goes...

I wanted to hide from people. (In my healthy state I am Little Miss Friendly so this should have been a big clue). It started as people I felt responsible to in some way, but gradually extended to everyone except my closest friends and family. Then everyone except my husband.

I wanted to sleep a lot. (I've always liked an early night but this was different).

I found it really, really hard to pray or read the Bible. (This one's easy to excuse with the help of the last one - I'd tell myself I was too tired right now and I needed to give it my best so I would do it "later" or "tomorrow".) I guess I was shutting God out along with everyone else. 

I couldn't motivate myself to do anything with my free time except watch TV or go online, and once I was doing either, I didn't want to stop.

I stopped feeling hopeful and optimistic. (Two words I would probably have used to describe myself previously). I didn't really look forward to anything or get excited about stuff in the way I used to.

Having a random chat made me feel exhausted and I started getting snappy with people for no reason.

I found it hard to concentrate/talk about anything apart from the stressful time I felt I was having at work. If I didn't get a chance to offload in minute detail (usually onto my poor husband) I would feel unable to cope. 

I put off simple things in work because the thought of responding to emails or listening to voicemails made me feel anxious.

I couldn't bear silence. (Even when I am well I'm not at all good with prolonged silence, I like the radio or the TV on to keep me company - but this got ridiculous. I couldn't stand my 8 minute walk to work with just my thoughts, I had to be listening to my ipod constantly. I think it was both a distraction from how I was feeling and an excuse not to engage with others.)

I'm sure there were more, but that feels like enough to be getting on with! Being honest, I'm still struggling with every single item on this list to some extent, but they are no longer overwhelming me, and I no longer accept them as "just the way things are".


So my advice to myself (and please feel free to take some of it if you want to!) is to learn to pay myself a little bit more attention, and treat myself with a little more kindness. I can't prevent this stuff from happening again, but I can work to pay attention to the warning signs leading up to the cliff before I head straight over the edge. And that's worth it.