Do you ever feel as though you are waiting to be found out? I feel that way often. Like I'm a fraud. As though very soon someone is going to discover who I really am and everything will come crashing down around me.
People will say (I imagine), "Who is she to be employed by a church? To teach our children? To preach to us? Her faith is so thin. Her sins are so shameful. Her self-control is so lacking."
Soon afterwards (I imagine) I will be set upon by a mob of angry folk carrying lanterns and various household-implements-turned-weapons and be paraded around town as an example to any others who may be considering masquerading in a similar way. (Or maybe life isn't quite so much like the end of a Disney film...)
Did you know, that's not what I'm supposed to be waiting for?
I am supposed to be waiting - eagerly looking - for Jesus to return (James 5:7). I'm supposed to be waiting - expectantly believing - to see the goodness of God in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13-14).
But I'm not. I'm waiting to be found out.
Where does this insecurity come from?
In part, (I think) it is a twisting of my desire to know God more, to inhabit a deeper spirituality, to really live, rather than just put one foot in front of the other. I ache for more, and I tell myself I am less-than, because I have less.
But do you know - as I type these words, I don't feel less-than. Not at all. Because this evening some truth has come my way, and it's truth that I want (need) to remember the next time I start to believe the lies that have so far made up the majority of this post.
The truth is:
I have already been found out.
I have been discovered,
uncovered,
found out,
called out.
The truth is:
My faith is thin.
My sins are shameful.
My self-control is lacking.
The truth is:
I am known,
seen,
forgiven,
and free.
Right now, I believe that no-one else's expectations or judgements (even my own) matter. I know I won't always feel like this (because of the thin faith, shameful sin and all that...) but that's ok. Because I will be able to take my mixed-up, messed-up thoughts and feelings to the Source of All Truth, and there - once again - I will find that I am known, seen, forgiven, and free.
