Did you read the title of this post? That's what I ate while sitting at my desk earlier today. In about 15 minutes. I was definitely not supposed to eat that. I didn't want to. But I did. And do. Most days. Alone. In secret.
This post is basically going to be me trying to figure out why. It may never get posted (I do that a lot - you would be surprised how often I actually blog, even when this page doesn't get updated for months and months - writing really helps me process stuff).
So...What The Actual Heck is going on with my snacking? Here follow some random thoughts in no particular order...
Around September, I realised I had no energy to play with Little Miss, and I thought I would try Couch to 5K (again). This time I stuck with it and have kept up with running. I am currently fitter than I have ever been. This means I give myself permission to snack more, and to snack on unhealthy things, because I am more active and therefore "can take" more calories. (Rationally, I know this makes no sense, but my brain is very clever at convincing me it does.)
My sleep has been disrupted (every single night) for 16 months and 2 days - since our precious boy arrived in our family. Lack of sleep makes me hungry, I tell myself. In particular it makes me crave sugar. And it saps my self-control (what little of it I have), making me more likely to give in to temptation. In the interests of being completely honest (even while worrying what you will all think about it), I'll own that I'm also still breastfeeding, and from anecdotal evidence, that is also a hunger-inducing activity!
Like so many of us, I feel like I am trying to keep a heck of a lot of balls in the air. All the time. My marriage, bringing up two little ones, my very vocational ministry job, precarious finances, never-ending laundry, friendships, a relationship with God, walking the dog - there is just so much to think about and fit into each day. And eating is a stress-reliever for me. I know it's unhealthy, I don't seem to know how to stop.
But I really want to.
Stop.
I hate my lack of self-control.
I hate that I constantly think about food and feel hungry.
I feel guilty all the time, as though I am lying, hiding, being duplicitous.
I dread being found out, and worry what people will think of me when they know for sure that I really don't have it all together (if I don't post this, here is the reason why).
And I'm scared that this eating must mean I'm suppressing something HUGE and if I stop I might discover it and fall apart (again).
But really, and deep down, I do know that eating junk food is not what is holding me together.
"He is before all things, and in him all things are held together" (Colossians 1:13).
And I know that what I need is to replace my faulty coping strategies with some unfaulty ones (yes, definitely a word). Like blogging. Which really helps. And like replacing the lies in my head with real, true, truth that says food can't fix anything broken inside me and it can't replenish my hungry soul. Which seems laughably obvious when you see it written down like that!
Once again, the lesson I have to learn is to turn to the place I know truth comes from. "For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things." (Psalm 107:9)
I am really, genuinely frightened of posting this, but I think that in order for things to change, it needs to be out there. I am sick of hiding and shame. I want to own my struggles and my weaknesses and through them allow God to work in me. And I want the glory to go to him - and that can't happen if no-one knows about it.
So here goes...
