Do you ever feel as though you are waiting to be found out? I feel that way often. Like I'm a fraud. As though very soon someone is going to discover who I really am and everything will come crashing down around me.
People will say (I imagine), "Who is she to be employed by a church? To teach our children? To preach to us? Her faith is so thin. Her sins are so shameful. Her self-control is so lacking."
Soon afterwards (I imagine) I will be set upon by a mob of angry folk carrying lanterns and various household-implements-turned-weapons and be paraded around town as an example to any others who may be considering masquerading in a similar way. (Or maybe life isn't quite so much like the end of a Disney film...)
Did you know, that's not what I'm supposed to be waiting for?
I am supposed to be waiting - eagerly looking - for Jesus to return (James 5:7). I'm supposed to be waiting - expectantly believing - to see the goodness of God in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13-14).
But I'm not. I'm waiting to be found out.
Where does this insecurity come from?
In part, (I think) it is a twisting of my desire to know God more, to inhabit a deeper spirituality, to really live, rather than just put one foot in front of the other. I ache for more, and I tell myself I am less-than, because I have less.
But do you know - as I type these words, I don't feel less-than. Not at all. Because this evening some truth has come my way, and it's truth that I want (need) to remember the next time I start to believe the lies that have so far made up the majority of this post.
The truth is:
I have already been found out.
I have been discovered,
uncovered,
found out,
called out.
The truth is:
My faith is thin.
My sins are shameful.
My self-control is lacking.
The truth is:
I am known,
seen,
forgiven,
and free.
Right now, I believe that no-one else's expectations or judgements (even my own) matter. I know I won't always feel like this (because of the thin faith, shameful sin and all that...) but that's ok. Because I will be able to take my mixed-up, messed-up thoughts and feelings to the Source of All Truth, and there - once again - I will find that I am known, seen, forgiven, and free.
Sunday, 13 August 2017
Tuesday, 4 July 2017
I'm feeling glad all over
This afternoon after dinner as my 18 month old "helped" me get the vacuum cleaner out of its cupboard, and my 4 year old danced around pretending to be "Mowgli", I was suddenly hit by how thankful I am for this life of mine.
Once the hoovering was done, we went upstairs for bathtime. Little Miss Independent is not a tactile girl, but after her bath, she loves to be wrapped up in her towel on my lap and to have me sing to her. This evening at her request I sang "I'm Special", (a Graham Kendrick classic from my childhood) and she joined in, but in a silly, growly voice that had us both laughing, and then Laurie climbed up too, and my heart just felt really full.
I recently found an app called HappyFeed, which reminds me every day to make a note of three things I'm thankful for. Now in the interest of complete honesty, I've already had days when three separate things felt like a push. But actually, more often my struggle is to narrow it down to just three!
I am so blessed. There are so many wonderful people and great things in my life. I tend to blog in times of crisis, or at least of stress, and I really hope this post doesn't sound saccharine or braggy in comparison. It just felt right to share something a bit different, but (I promise) still authentic.
Because regardless of all the rubbish that goes on, at a personal level and in the bigger picture of our world, there is still so much good. So much beauty. So much cause for joy. And if we let the rubbish blot out all the beauty, then the rubbish wins (and that's even rubbish-er).
"Count your blessings" is one of those phrases that can be mis-used. It can be an effective way to shut down someone who needs to talk about negative stuff they're dealing with, and can be as cutting as simply saying "stop whining". And I know you probably already know this (and I do too but I seem to forget, so here's a little reminder) but actually, counting our blessings, or if you like - naming our blessings - is a powerful act.
For such a simple exercise, it really packs a punch (at least it does for me!) It increases my wellbeing, it's an encouragement to look back on when things are rough, and it brings me near to God. He knows what we need, and he tells us to fill our minds with things that are "true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse." (Philippians 4:8)
And that just makes sense to me. It's like that Roald Dahl quote from The Twits:
In other words, the things we choose to think about, to dwell on, impact us in significant ways. Today thankfulness and joy have been easy to come by, but I think that might partly be because I have been training myself to look for the good, to search for things to be thankful for, to notice the small moments of beauty that pop up all over the place but can so easily slip away unattended.
Today I am glad. And I am thankful. But next time it's hard to be glad and thankful, still I will be obedient to God (and to Roald Dahl) and I will search for the best and the beautiful, the praise-worthy and the good. I hope you will, too.
(Apologies to any of my fellow Palace-supporting friends who opened this thinking it might be something to do with football. It just seemed like an apt title!)
Once the hoovering was done, we went upstairs for bathtime. Little Miss Independent is not a tactile girl, but after her bath, she loves to be wrapped up in her towel on my lap and to have me sing to her. This evening at her request I sang "I'm Special", (a Graham Kendrick classic from my childhood) and she joined in, but in a silly, growly voice that had us both laughing, and then Laurie climbed up too, and my heart just felt really full.
I recently found an app called HappyFeed, which reminds me every day to make a note of three things I'm thankful for. Now in the interest of complete honesty, I've already had days when three separate things felt like a push. But actually, more often my struggle is to narrow it down to just three!
I am so blessed. There are so many wonderful people and great things in my life. I tend to blog in times of crisis, or at least of stress, and I really hope this post doesn't sound saccharine or braggy in comparison. It just felt right to share something a bit different, but (I promise) still authentic.
Because regardless of all the rubbish that goes on, at a personal level and in the bigger picture of our world, there is still so much good. So much beauty. So much cause for joy. And if we let the rubbish blot out all the beauty, then the rubbish wins (and that's even rubbish-er).
"Count your blessings" is one of those phrases that can be mis-used. It can be an effective way to shut down someone who needs to talk about negative stuff they're dealing with, and can be as cutting as simply saying "stop whining". And I know you probably already know this (and I do too but I seem to forget, so here's a little reminder) but actually, counting our blessings, or if you like - naming our blessings - is a powerful act.
For such a simple exercise, it really packs a punch (at least it does for me!) It increases my wellbeing, it's an encouragement to look back on when things are rough, and it brings me near to God. He knows what we need, and he tells us to fill our minds with things that are "true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse." (Philippians 4:8)
And that just makes sense to me. It's like that Roald Dahl quote from The Twits:
“A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”
In other words, the things we choose to think about, to dwell on, impact us in significant ways. Today thankfulness and joy have been easy to come by, but I think that might partly be because I have been training myself to look for the good, to search for things to be thankful for, to notice the small moments of beauty that pop up all over the place but can so easily slip away unattended.
Today I am glad. And I am thankful. But next time it's hard to be glad and thankful, still I will be obedient to God (and to Roald Dahl) and I will search for the best and the beautiful, the praise-worthy and the good. I hope you will, too.
(Apologies to any of my fellow Palace-supporting friends who opened this thinking it might be something to do with football. It just seemed like an apt title!)
Tuesday, 16 May 2017
2 Bags of Crisps and a Packet of Biscuits
Did you read the title of this post? That's what I ate while sitting at my desk earlier today. In about 15 minutes. I was definitely not supposed to eat that. I didn't want to. But I did. And do. Most days. Alone. In secret.
This post is basically going to be me trying to figure out why. It may never get posted (I do that a lot - you would be surprised how often I actually blog, even when this page doesn't get updated for months and months - writing really helps me process stuff).
So...What The Actual Heck is going on with my snacking? Here follow some random thoughts in no particular order...
Around September, I realised I had no energy to play with Little Miss, and I thought I would try Couch to 5K (again). This time I stuck with it and have kept up with running. I am currently fitter than I have ever been. This means I give myself permission to snack more, and to snack on unhealthy things, because I am more active and therefore "can take" more calories. (Rationally, I know this makes no sense, but my brain is very clever at convincing me it does.)
My sleep has been disrupted (every single night) for 16 months and 2 days - since our precious boy arrived in our family. Lack of sleep makes me hungry, I tell myself. In particular it makes me crave sugar. And it saps my self-control (what little of it I have), making me more likely to give in to temptation. In the interests of being completely honest (even while worrying what you will all think about it), I'll own that I'm also still breastfeeding, and from anecdotal evidence, that is also a hunger-inducing activity!
Like so many of us, I feel like I am trying to keep a heck of a lot of balls in the air. All the time. My marriage, bringing up two little ones, my very vocational ministry job, precarious finances, never-ending laundry, friendships, a relationship with God, walking the dog - there is just so much to think about and fit into each day. And eating is a stress-reliever for me. I know it's unhealthy, I don't seem to know how to stop.
But I really want to.
Stop.
I hate my lack of self-control.
I hate that I constantly think about food and feel hungry.
I feel guilty all the time, as though I am lying, hiding, being duplicitous.
I dread being found out, and worry what people will think of me when they know for sure that I really don't have it all together (if I don't post this, here is the reason why).
And I'm scared that this eating must mean I'm suppressing something HUGE and if I stop I might discover it and fall apart (again).
But really, and deep down, I do know that eating junk food is not what is holding me together.
"He is before all things, and in him all things are held together" (Colossians 1:13).
And I know that what I need is to replace my faulty coping strategies with some unfaulty ones (yes, definitely a word). Like blogging. Which really helps. And like replacing the lies in my head with real, true, truth that says food can't fix anything broken inside me and it can't replenish my hungry soul. Which seems laughably obvious when you see it written down like that!
Once again, the lesson I have to learn is to turn to the place I know truth comes from. "For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things." (Psalm 107:9)
I am really, genuinely frightened of posting this, but I think that in order for things to change, it needs to be out there. I am sick of hiding and shame. I want to own my struggles and my weaknesses and through them allow God to work in me. And I want the glory to go to him - and that can't happen if no-one knows about it.
So here goes...
This post is basically going to be me trying to figure out why. It may never get posted (I do that a lot - you would be surprised how often I actually blog, even when this page doesn't get updated for months and months - writing really helps me process stuff).
So...What The Actual Heck is going on with my snacking? Here follow some random thoughts in no particular order...
Around September, I realised I had no energy to play with Little Miss, and I thought I would try Couch to 5K (again). This time I stuck with it and have kept up with running. I am currently fitter than I have ever been. This means I give myself permission to snack more, and to snack on unhealthy things, because I am more active and therefore "can take" more calories. (Rationally, I know this makes no sense, but my brain is very clever at convincing me it does.)
My sleep has been disrupted (every single night) for 16 months and 2 days - since our precious boy arrived in our family. Lack of sleep makes me hungry, I tell myself. In particular it makes me crave sugar. And it saps my self-control (what little of it I have), making me more likely to give in to temptation. In the interests of being completely honest (even while worrying what you will all think about it), I'll own that I'm also still breastfeeding, and from anecdotal evidence, that is also a hunger-inducing activity!
Like so many of us, I feel like I am trying to keep a heck of a lot of balls in the air. All the time. My marriage, bringing up two little ones, my very vocational ministry job, precarious finances, never-ending laundry, friendships, a relationship with God, walking the dog - there is just so much to think about and fit into each day. And eating is a stress-reliever for me. I know it's unhealthy, I don't seem to know how to stop.
But I really want to.
Stop.
I hate my lack of self-control.
I hate that I constantly think about food and feel hungry.
I feel guilty all the time, as though I am lying, hiding, being duplicitous.
I dread being found out, and worry what people will think of me when they know for sure that I really don't have it all together (if I don't post this, here is the reason why).
And I'm scared that this eating must mean I'm suppressing something HUGE and if I stop I might discover it and fall apart (again).
But really, and deep down, I do know that eating junk food is not what is holding me together.
"He is before all things, and in him all things are held together" (Colossians 1:13).
And I know that what I need is to replace my faulty coping strategies with some unfaulty ones (yes, definitely a word). Like blogging. Which really helps. And like replacing the lies in my head with real, true, truth that says food can't fix anything broken inside me and it can't replenish my hungry soul. Which seems laughably obvious when you see it written down like that!
Once again, the lesson I have to learn is to turn to the place I know truth comes from. "For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things." (Psalm 107:9)
I am really, genuinely frightened of posting this, but I think that in order for things to change, it needs to be out there. I am sick of hiding and shame. I want to own my struggles and my weaknesses and through them allow God to work in me. And I want the glory to go to him - and that can't happen if no-one knows about it.
So here goes...
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