Windows (the glass kind)

"When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window," sighs Maria to herself as she is ejected from the Abbey towards the beginning of The Sound of Music. (Yes, one of the best singing nun films ever made.) And then she sings a number all about having confidence in herself and sunshine and Spring and all sorts of other things that aren't God.

I've noticed a similar sort of dichotomy in my own life. Just recently God has closed the door on my time serving in Bristol. This wasn't "the plan" and has left me wondering what's next. God shut the door, so where's that open window that's just the right size for me to wriggle through?

And there's the problem, I'm instantly looking for the next thing. I'm so terrified I'll miss it (or that maybe actually God doesn't have a further plan for me) that I'm putting my energy into trying to suss out and work towards the next thing. And worse, I'm kind of telling God what should be through that next window when it opens...

• Something that uses my gifts, skills and experience.
• Something that will provide for my family.
• Something that will further validate the joys and struggles I've been through recently.

Have you ever found yourself slipping into a similar trap? 

"I'll end this relationship that's pulling me away from God and He will provide me with the right person to marry."

"I'll give away my money/possessions and God will give me a laptop/car/4 bedroom semi when I need one."

I am learning that when God closes a door He may open a window, but it will be the window He chooses, not the one I identify on His behalf. And actually He might decide to open a sunroof instead of a window. Or turn on the air-conditioning (apparently I am now in a car in this metaphor, I'm choosing to go with it, feel free to join me...)

It's good to have dreams and plans and to get excited about opportunities and about the future. It's bad, and frankly, pointless, to try to dictate to God how He should be guiding and blessing you. (And please don't try to force your way through a window you think ought to be open for you but isn't, you could end up with glass in nasty places - I've been there. Metaphorically. Obviously.) 

I think what I'm trying to say is:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."

Proverbs 3:5-6

Here I am, focusing on windows when - be they open or closed, whether what I can see through them looks like sunshine and buttercups or storms and thorn bushes - they are not the point. Once again I need to learn that the outcome is not the same as the end goal. What I end up doing is not the point. 

The point is knowing God well enough to really trust him to open the right window at the right time. Why am I trying to climb through windows when I could be spending time with officially the best person in the universe? (One day I'll learn this lesson...)

Breathing like a fish...

Have you ever seen Finding Nemo? (Stay with me, I'm almost sure I have a point)

There's a moment near the beginning of the film just after (*spoiler alert*) Nemo has been caught by divers when Marlin, his Dad, comes to the surface of the water desperately looking and calling for his son. But of course, he's a fish, so he can only exist above the water for a very limited amount of time. 

So he has to plunge back into the water to take a life-prolonging "breath" (no, I don't understand how fish work and it seemed like too much hassle to look it up) before he can come up again and look and call some more. 

Right now I relate to Marlin! I gave birth to a ridiculously wonderful little boy 16 days ago. And since then (highlights including the expected sleep deprivation, 2 unexpected bouts of mastitis, re-learning how to breastfeed, and Little Miss getting a sickness virus), it's felt a lot like I've been frantically swimming around on the surface existing on the last "breath" I managed to take in some time before Baby arrived.

And this morning as Baby sleeps on me and Little Miss eats her breakfast I am realising that I need to follow Marlin's example if I'm going to be able to continue on my own adventure. 

I need to plunge into the depths and breathe deep the life-giving water I find there. Not the depths of the ocean, but the depths of the One who created it.

As the song says: "there I [will] find you in the mystery; in oceans deep my faith will stand."* 

There have been times in my life when maintaining my spirituality has felt like another task for the to do list, one more thing that needs to be gotten out of the way so I can continue on with the rest of life without feeling guilty. 

And then there are times like now. When it is so undeniably clear to me that life can only be found and sustained when I plunge headfirst into the living water that is provided for me in abundance - and breathe deep. That's the only way I'm going to get through this day, tomorrow, and whatever may be around the corner (and I'm hoping that writing it down here will help me next time I forget...)

So if you need me, I'll be over here, taking some time to breathe like a fish. 

*Oceans, by Hillsong