10 things I learned in my 20s

Well, it happened. On Sunday 29th July I turned 30. Thirty! I have been spoiled rotten by hubby, family and friends over the last few weeks, and now I'm just about ready to step into this new decade. As I do so, I want to share some of the "wisdom" I have picked up (mostly the hard way) over the last ten-ish years. I shared some of this in church a few weeks ago, but there was more brewing so I thought this was the place to get it out there. It's a serious biggie, so feel free to skim!

So here goes. Ten things I learned in my Twenties:

One. I am not the answer.
When I was a student, I felt as though if I didn't do something about the problems I saw around me, no-one would. If I didn't feed the homeless, get involved in people's relationship difficulties, or voice my opinions loudly and regularly, the world just might stop turning! It was partly arrogance, but more so it came from a deep desire for my life to mean something, to have a higher purpose.

I realise now that by making myself the centre of everything, I was missing out on the freedom and fullness of life that comes from knowing that God is actually at the centre of everything. He is on a mission to redeem the world, and he invites me to play my part, but I am absolutely not the hinge the whole thing turns on (thank goodness!). I am at liberty to be the best me I can be, without strapping a whole load of unnecessary burdens to my back. Sometimes I still need reminding that it's not up to me to save the world - but more and more I am allowing God to play his part and to show me mine.

Two. Everyone has something to give. 
This goes hand in hand with number one. While I've been learning that lesson, I've been working, serving and doing life alongside many different people. It's amazing to see how differently other people think, how they can do things that I could never manage in a million years, how they care so passionately about things that I honestly don't give a stuff about. I've learned that we are all necessary. Whoever you are, whatever your gifts, skills and personality, there are roles that only you can play and people who only you can influence. 

So why not look out for those opportunities to give, especially to get alongside people? Maybe it’s someone who reminds you of yourself however many years ago. Maybe it’s someone you see has a similar passion or gift. By acknowledging the value in who God has made you to be, who else can you help along life's journey?

Three. I'm seriously crap at keeping in touch with people.
Many of you reading will know the above to be an understatement. I wish I knew what my problem is. It's not that I don't care about you if you're far away. Quite the opposite is true; many of the people I love most dearly are those I don't see on a regular basis. The fact that I'm so cruddy at showing them that love is a constant source of guilt to me. (Case in point, last week when I went to visit my family, I had to take with me the gift I bought my Mum for Mothers Day in March and birthday presents for my brother-in-law and sister, from May and June respectively. I join with you in judging me ever so severely).

Completely undeservedly I'm blessed with many wonderful people in my life who accept me warts and all, and are happy to pick things up where we left off when I see them, even if there's been little contact in the meantime. If you are one of those people, I am so thankful for you! If I have offended you with with my lack of in-touch-ness, I am honestly sorry. And if anyone knows how the heck I can improve in this area, I'm all ears. Maybe this will be the decade when I crack it...

Four. Your story is powerful.

I have been consistently blessed by those in my life who have shared their stories openly and freely. People like the leaders in my church who choose to share their weakness as well as their strength. And I have learnt that as I look to bless others, some of the most difficult things God has brought me through are the things he wants me to share for their benefit. 

So when I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression this year, just after I'd started this blog, I made the decision to be honest here about what’s going on in my life. And that’s all I’ve done. I haven’t tried to be wise, or to dress anything up to make it sound better than it is. I haven’t worried about how it makes me look, or how it makes God look. And I have had an astonishing response.

Dozens of people have contacted me to thank me, to tell me how encouraged they are by my story, and to share their own stories with me. It’s been overwhelming. In a very dark time, God has used me, and all I had to do was be willing to share. 

So don’t discount your story. It is a gift God has given you, and it is powerful. Allow God to use your story, look for people you can share your experiences with. And those experiences don’t have to be dramatic. You will be surprised by how many people can relate to your life, and both you and they will be blessed in the process.

Five. Everything that's worth something costs something.
The best example I can think of to illustrate this is cooking. Cooking is the pain you have to suffer before you can enjoy the glorious pleasure of eating. (If I could have a magical power, to be able to click my fingers and assemble ingredients into something wonderful would be high on the list. Alas, I never got my Hogwarts letter.) It's true though, the cost thing. For bigger and littler things than cooking.

Six. It doesn't matter what people think (and they probably aren't thinking what you think they're thinking anyway).
I don't know about you, but most of my head-space is not dedicated to observing the minutiae of other peoples' lives and then passing judgement on them. But, particularly during my early twenties, quite a lot of my head-space was taken up with observing the minutiae of my own life, imagining everyone else was doing the same and wondering what they thought of me because of it.

But no more! (At least, in theory). I am not going to let other people's reactions to me (real or imagined) dictate my life. Because, really, it doesn't matter what they think. However hard I try, I'm going to mess up, and let people down. And in spite of myself, there will be times when I do something great and please other people. There will be people who take to me for no particular reason and people who can't stand me for just as little reason. That's life. You can't control what other people think, only your response. The only person whose opinion of me matters knows me inside out and loves me ridiculously more than I can imagine. So that's OK then.

Seven. If you don't drink caffeine, carry decaf teabags with you at all times.
There is no simpler way to make British people feel instantly uncomfortable in their own homes than to refuse their offer of tea or coffee. Try it. You'll see panic-stricken thoughts racing through their mind - 'What does this mean?', 'Is she rejecting me?', 'Can I still have a cup?'.

I've tried many things over the years. Asking if they have anything decaf can make your host feel as though they've failed some test they didn't know to prepare for. Asking for a cold drink is met with suspicion and cries of "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't want something hot? It's no trouble!" But a simple "Yes please, I've got a decaf teabag in here somewhere", whilst rummaging through a handbag is deemed perfectly acceptable and ensures the visit will not be derailed.

If you, as in the case of my poor husband, simply dislike hot drinks, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you. You are doomed to a half-life of awkwardly sitting around kitchen tables clutching a glass of weak orange squash as you are eyed warily and somehow missed out when the biscuits are passed round.

Eight: We are all meant to take turns carrying and being carried.

From a young child, I always saw myself as “the strong one”. I've mentioned before that I was 9, my Dad died suddenly, and as the oldest sibling, I felt that I had to be there for my Mum and my two younger sisters to rely on. My emotions, worries and fears were to be dealt with on my own without troubling anyone else.

In Galatians 6:2 the Bible tells us to “Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfil the law of Christ.” Now we must be wise about whom we ask to share our burdens, but we're not supposed to do life alone, we are to be a community who love and support each other.

I got through my early 20s carrying other people’s burdens along with my own. And then one day, shortly after I’d collapsed under all that weight, I was meeting with a lady from my church and she explained something to me that has totally changed my mindset.

She asked me what it was like to be able to walk with someone else, through their troubles. I can tell you, to do that is one of the biggest privileges I know. To journey alongside someone, to see them grow in God as he brings them through trials is an immense blessing. So that’s what I told her. And then she dropped an absolute pearl of wisdom on me: if I refuse to share my burden, I am depriving others of the opportunity to be used by God and share in that same blessing that I enjoy.

It is for all of us to take turns carrying and being carried. There is no shame in allowing others to come alongside you, and there are no special qualifications needed to be the one doing the coming alongside.There are times when we all need practical support, an ear to listen, someone to pray with us, someone to take us out for a treat, someone to speak biblical wisdom and truth over us.

Right now, maybe it’s your turn to be carried. Accept that. It won’t be forever. Reach out for that support.

Right now it may be your turn to carry. Be generous with the support you can give. Allow God to use you in a most special way.

Either way, I promise you won’t regret it.

Nine: You are creative.
Some years ago, I was properly told off by an incredible man named Rob Lacey (he wrote the Word on the Street and set up Lacey Theatre Company) He told me off for saying that I wasn't creative. He told me that what I meant was that I am not arty (which is true) but that every single one of us is created by a creator to create and I was no exception. He was right. And you are no exception either. So go, find out what that means for you, and create!

Ten: I am not in control.
There have been things that have happened in my life and the lives of those around me over the last ten years that I would give almost anything to change. And probably what I find hardest about those experiences is that they remind me I am not in charge. I often go through life with the illusion that I can somehow control the world around me. But I can't. This world a messed up, beautiful place that all sorts of wonderful and terrible things happen in, for very complicated reasons and for no reason at all.

This tenth lesson echoes back to my first. I am not the answer, nor am I in control. But I honestly believe there is One who sees the bigger picture, and that he is the answer, and that in all things, he is working for the good of those who love him (that's Romans 8:28 by the way). I sometimes wish I could see the bigger picture and have more of a say in the colours he's using on my particular patch. But that's not going to happen any time soon. So I have to surrender that need for control to the only one who can be trusted not to abuse it. Thank Heaven for him.


So here's to a new decade. Well done if you plowed all the way through to this point, and I don't blame you at all if you skipped straight here from the beginning! Watch this space for (more than likely irregular) updates from this newly-thirty-something...